I first learned about the term “gender dysphoria” in September 2014, and I very suddenly found myself exploring a brand new world of ideas and possibilities that I never even knew existed. Those two words finally illuminated a lifetime of suppressed and incoherent darkness. I fell down the rabbit hole and my journey through Genderland has been exhausting, frustrating, confusing, and increasingly rewarding. I still don’t know where I’m going.
For a long time I have been reluctant to share my thoughts and experiences online, because I did not believe that I had anything worth saying and because my own uncertainty and confusion felt so overwhelming and unproductive. But over time I have gained a small measure of clarity, and I have been encouraged by friends to record my reflections on this process.
This blog will focus primarily on gender and various aspects of transition. However, these issues often intersect with other life circumstances, so I may discuss a variety of other topics here as well.
To provide context for readers, I currently (and provisionally) define my gender and sexual orientation in this way:
“ex ” – English: “free from”
X – the unknown variable
X – the horizontal axis
X – the wrong answer
X – marks the spot
IXL INXS XTC
“deus ex” – Latin: “god of”
XX – alphabetical twins
XX – a Roman 20
X|X – a mirror image
XX – a pair of kisses
XX – no Y, know why?
as much as possible
female secondary sexual characteristics deliberately minimized or masked
jeans, fitted sleeveless shirts, zipped sweaters, sportswear
strong preference for wearing black or shades of grey
This blog is, foremost, for myself. I find it very difficult to notice gradual changes and incremental steps forward, so my writing is a structured way for me to record my own progress. The process of putting my messy thoughts into words is also very cathartic.
This blog is also for my friends and psychiatrists. You have been such incredibly patient, compassionate, and steadfast companions along a path that has been extremely challenging. Thank you. The intensity of my gratitude defies description.
Finally, this blog is for other gender benders, for people who challenge the gender binary, for those whose stories have resonated with me and guided my own explorations. I hope that my thoughts and ideas may be similarly helpful to anyone else who is searching for their truth.
“Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality.”
– The Cheshire Cat
WElcome to my rabBIT holE
~ Thomas ~